Sunday, May 17, 2009

haven't said a word

someone pointed out to me that i haven't been talking about something for some time now.
and in retrospect, this is characteristic of me: all chat about the things i don't care about, it disguises when i really, really do care about things.
like the banter i do which disguises very thinly the fact that i can be so intensely socially awkward at times - generally self-involved, anecdotal, and revealing-all-too-many-details without actually revealing anything at all. it puts up walls, it keeps me apart from people, it hides from people that i don't actually know the right thing to say at this precise moment to find them. and how much i really am looking. it gives me space to try and search for the words through the tiny self-betrayals they give me. because sometimes - frequently - i am genuinely at a loss.
it makes me love intensely the people who see through the layers of... stuff. who look through the semi-coherent babbles and the too-many-details and find me inside and connect.
but there's this thing. this one thing. that brings a lump to my throat every time i think about it. and makes the world start to slide away at the edges around me. and that thing i avoid desperately with even those closest to me.
one day, i'll find the words.
i fear it may not be soon enough.