Friday, November 13, 2009

needs a da-da-daddy

This last week has made me think about kinship...
(it's been an odd week for that, in fact)
...especially the kinds of reliance and expectations of support one can have, or expect, or pay lip service to, or even deny even while one relies upon them.

Someone recently tried to tell me that they didn't rely on anyone, and that no one else should.
They managed to pronounce this in all seriousness when the 'enough' I know about their life is in fact just enough to know they have a really solid home-made family around them, upon which they intimately rely for all the good and bad times.
Now I have learned a few things in my time (mostly excessively geeky, and really only interesting to a few people), but one thing I have learned is that the days when I would wake up a full hour earlier than I had to for school in the morning because I hated relying on people so much are done and dusted. I've learned that sometimes it really is okay to need people. But also that sometimes the most surprising people are the ones there for you in those moments.
And that's not just okay, it's a constant source of strength and happy astonishment.

Someone else told me today that they think that sometimes the things people say, whether there is genuine malice or intent to hurt (or homophobia, sexism or racism) behind the speech, ought to be spoken out against, because it does damage, because it's not my responsibility to sugar-coat it, and everyone ought to be able to hear that sometimes, despite all intent to the contrary, they really have just got it wrong this time.
And it made me think about my family, and how at times I feel like the necessity of this has handed me my relationship to them, regardless of how I've felt about the issue.

Also, the way that a couple of people close to me have had children, and despite all evidence which might have suggested the contrary, it has balanced them out and made them infinitely saner. Or the opposite - the slight manic tinge of insanity associated with some forms of parenthood, or the total ineptness which spells to the world 'i don't get kids' (even if it's their own).

Also the kinds of home-made family you get in communities - for me, in women-autonomous spaces. Like the Sugar Spokes, an all-ladies riding crew who have the least amount of stranger danger, cliqueyness and pretensions I've stumbled across in a long time - thanks for putting up with me, ladies! Or the VRDL, ladies close to my heart for years who I've recently re-fallen-in-love-with, and am boot-camped and dying for contact drills... (great bout this evening, rollergirls!)

Well, it spells out many things. And makes me ponder.
I seem to have arrived at this.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Investments and annuities.

Today I 'wasted' most of a day, whiling away my time with rapturous fictitious narratives, during which I gazed longingly at a stunning redhead.
Her name was to be Rita.
She was to be my stalwart and constant companion.
Ah the places we would go.
The things we would do!*
And how I would love her...
The way I would run my fingers across her torso, lovingly...
And then she slipped out of my grasp.
Just like that.
And my dreams slid to the ground.

(Damn you, Rita, and your brazen hussy ways! Hope you get the alcoholic/ Parkinson shakes, and throw that unspecified other!)

Folks, meet Rita,
Rita, meet the folks.**

*make no mistake, that really is a Dr Seuss reference you see before you.
** Hi mum, yes, she's a motorbike. Yes, I got my licence. Please please please don't disown me? (I love you).

Monday, November 2, 2009

Too Hot Not.

There are times when I really struggle to encapsulate a mood - something I frequently find comes to me easily, as I slide into a song or a dance or a book or film, or activity and embrace it whole-heartedly.
This tussle tends to head towards the 'unsettled' - a place that is, while Theoretically* useful, challenging, and engaging, is hardly the kind of mood to take to a party.
Hence my dilemma last evening, when, dinner dress in hand I took stock of my unsettled state, and (advisably, sensibly) promptly banned myself from polite society.
Wise. Sage.
Also, reminiscent of Jonathan Cainer's advice - which, while dubious at the best of times, sometimes allows me to put voice to a useful sentiment -
" It may help to think of yourself as someone who has long wanted to travel to a very special place. After months of hope and preparation, you have boarded the ship that is due to take you to your preferred port. You have even begun to get used to the layout of your cabin - and to the rhythm and routine of the vessel. That may sound easy but it probably feels odd. There's often a big gap between our idea of what a situation is likely to be like and the experience itself. It is good that you are on the boat but it is important not to confuse the journey with the destination. To all intents and purposes, you're still just 'setting off'."
Oh, and the sweet croonings of the indomitable, incomparable Rosemary Clooney.

*yes, Theory with a big 'T', the rarified university-wall Theory.